Alla Adam is a City Builder, Author, & Pilot at Adam Impact Institute.
getty
“I don’t know what I want anymore,” Will said almost matter-of-factly.
Two years into building his defense-tech startup, he had plenty going for him. He was a go-getter, a Navy veteran, a founder with a serious mission and responsibility. He knew what the company needed and what his investors expected.
But ask what he wanted? The room seemed monastically quiet all of a sudden.
It was clear to me that Will hadn’t lost his ambition. But he had spent so much time answering everybody else’s questions that his own had become surprisingly difficult to answer.
When Wanting Requires A Business Case
Leaders spend their days justifying things. Why this hire? Why this market? Why this much capital?
Eventually, you can start doing the same thing with your own life. “I want to change my role” becomes “I need to change my role because I was told …”
“I want Fridays to myself” becomes “I need to do as other founders do.”
“I want to build something much bigger” suddenly needs a market analysis before you’re willing to admit it.
Listen carefully to yourself. You may know perfectly well what you want; you just don’t think wanting it is a good enough reason.
Why Needs Are Easier To Defend
A need arrives with an explanation: You need to increase revenue to fund expansion. You need to spend more time with a major customer.
A want can be much less complicated. I want to stop doing this part of my job; I want to build the biggest company in this industry. Why? Because I do.
For people accustomed to defending decisions professionally, that answer can feel almost irresponsible. But self-interest and selfishness aren’t synonyms. You can care deeply about your employees, investors and responsibilities without removing yourself from the list.
The Price Of Becoming Too Useful
There’s a peculiar reward for being competent: People give you more things to carry. Do that long enough and your life can become exceptionally efficient at producing outcomes you never consciously chose.
Your calendar is full. Your company grows. Everyone can count on you. And voilà, you’ve become the last person consulted about what you want.
This is where resentment begins. You become bored with work you once loved. Perfectly reasonable requests irritate you. You start fantasizing about selling the company, disappearing for six months or doing something completely unrelated to the life you’ve spent years building.
Don’t dismiss those thoughts too quickly. Resentment often has a fairly simple source: something you haven’t admitted. A want you keep talking yourself out of.
Why Wanting Takes Practice
You’d think humans would be naturally excellent at knowing what they want. We aren’t. We are, however, exceptionally good at learning what other people expect from us.
Investors have expectations; so do industries, and so does your board. After years of accommodating all that input, it becomes difficult to tell which ambitions are yours and which ones you got used to carrying.
So start with one question: What do I want that I don’t currently have?
Write 10 answers. Don’t worry about making them “reasonable.” When you start explaining why each would also benefit the company, stop. You’re doing exactly what got you here. For now, identify the want without building a case for it.
Whose Permission Are You Waiting For?
Now look at your answers and ask: Who would dislike this?
Perhaps you want to stop attending meetings someone expects you to attend. Perhaps you want to move. Perhaps you want a much larger company while everyone keeps advising moderation. Or a smaller one while everyone expects another funding round.
Sometimes you stop admitting what you want because wanting it creates inconvenience for somebody else. That person’s disappointment doesn’t prove you’re right. It doesn’t prove you’re wrong either.
You are one of the people affected by your decisions. You get a vote.
Calculating The Other Cost
Leaders are remarkably good at calculating the cost of getting what they want. What happens if I take a month away? What will investors say if I change direction?
Good questions. Now calculate the cost of not doing it. Another product strategy you don’t believe in. Another year postponing the life you’re supposedly building all of this to have.
Most people examine the consequences of changing something, but far fewer examine the consequences of leaving it exactly as it is.
Those consequences count, too.
How To Turn A Want Into Something Real
Once you’ve identified something you genuinely want, resist the urge to turn it into a five-year vision with milestones and KPIs. Instead, do something with it.
Want to pursue an unreasonable company goal? Work out what would have to become true.
Want more thinking time? Clear one day completely.
Want something you cannot currently have? Fine. At least call it what it is.
You can’t always get what you want. But once you know what it is, you can negotiate and redesign around it, make trade-offs for it or consciously decide that something else matters more.
All of those are better than pretending you don’t want it.
So, What Do You Want?
When Will (whose name has been changed for confidentiality) and I came back to the question, his answer wasn’t one thing.
He had wants for his company and his role, wants that had nothing to do with defense tech, investors or being useful to anyone. He didn’t have to pursue all of them; he just had to admit they were there.
There will always be obligations. Some will outrank what you want. Sometimes duty wins, and rightly so. But postponing a want and denying having one are two very different things.
You can spend years becoming exactly what your company and investors need you to be and eventually have no idea what remains when their requirements are removed.
So remove them for a minute.
Forget what sounds responsible, what makes the strongest business case and what would make other people nod approvingly. Ask yourself: What do I want? And before you explain why, see what happens if you don’t.
Forbes Coaches Council is an invitation-only community for leading business and career coaches. Do I qualify?
