Stop the Tug-of-War; Your Work And Your Life Are On The Same Team

“‘So much time, so little to do…’?

Please, strike that! Reverse it!

I meant the other way.”

These lines from the musical Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, based on the Roald Dahl book of the same name, sum up modern life for many—so harried, it’s hard to focus even on your own concerns about being rushed. This can be especially true for those managing teams and busy personal lives.

Unfortunately, a roster of constantly competing desires can lead to a sense of time-scarcity and either/or thinking, a feeling of being caught in a “catch-22” that hinders enjoyment of any choice. Much in our culture supports this type of conflictual thinking, including structural factors such as lack of adequate paid maternity and paternity leave, reasonable childcare options, and time off for elder caregiving. As this column has written before, the common effort to strive for work-life “balance” can contribute to tug-of-war thinking. “It’s a seesaw view of life: if one side is up, the other must be down. Actually, your work and your life are on the same team—not competing with each other in a contest to win the ‘main priority of the year’ award.”

The good news in all this frenzy? Many workplaces have changed. It’s time to change your mindset with them. Here are three ways to push back against either-or thinking.

Embrace the New Flexibility

Covid-19 put a pause on rigid workplace rules. Many firms have kept the new flexibility. A 2024 report by Flex Index showed that 82% of large U.S.-based firms still offer some work location flexibility, and 62% of firms of all sizes. Of the 2200 companies of 1000 or more employees that study authors canvassed, 61% had a structured hybrid model, and 21% offered full flexibility. One key way to push back against either-or thinking: recognize and embrace how much the world of work has changed since the pandemic, and use the new flexibility to create more space for all the things you love.

For Erin, a lawyer in Los Angeles who works in defense-side civil litigation and is the primary caregiver for two children under three, Covid showed a way to “have it all” without all the inner conflict. When her firm went remote during the pandemic, she suddenly had a couple extra hours a day, time she’d formerly spent behind the wheel, battling Southern California traffic. Today, LA Superior Court has improved its technology and allows video appearances for all kinds of things that formerly ate up much of the work day, such as status conferences, in which the parties meet to check in on the progress of a case.

“I used to drive all the way to Bakersfield or Santa Monica for a five- or 10-minute status conference,” says Erin. “Many court hearings are at 8:30 in the morning. You can imagine a morning routine where you have to drive into downtown LA, park a few blocks from the courthouse, drag a mini-fridge-like box of documents to the courthouse. Now, all that is done by video. I can take my kids to daycare and then still make it home in time to do a hearing, and really focus on the performance of the hearing. Many of the judges now have told the lawyers, ‘Don’t show up in my courtroom unless you have a trial.’”

This shift and working from home a few days each week has allowed her to manage both her roles as the primary breadwinner and primary caregiver—and take better care of herself. “I have better sleep hygiene, and eat better. The offerings at the office were like soda and chips. At home, I can make myself salad.”

If your firm offers flexibility, use it. If it doesn’t, consider suggesting ways it might.

Job-sharing for example, when two people contribute to one role, is on the rise. As James Neave, head of data science at Adzuna, told Forbes, often a job applicant or current employee asks the employer for a job share, then finds a person to share the role with them.

As a leader, you can help create similar flexibility for your employees. In a survey by the developer-focused tech firm Digital Ocean, 43% percent of developers surveyed said the ability to work remotely is a “must-have when considering an offer with a company;” more than half (53%) said they think “less highly of a company that does not offer remote work options.” In a 2024 survey by Jitjatso, a shift-based workforce management platform and employee marketplace, 63% of respondents said that they prefer gig work to a traditional office job because it lets them set their own schedule.

Push Back Against Perfectionism

Old (mental) habits can be hard to break. Even if your firm or field has changed, you may still be clinging to an outdated sense of conflicting desires. If you have a virtual job and/or a flexible schedule, yet still feel frequently pulled in opposite directions, take a look at why. Are you trying to do too much? Not setting boundaries? Filling your former commuting time with more work? Or, are you stuck on a treadmill of never-enough, also known as perfectionism?

One reason people overwork, and under enjoy, is that they hold themselves to an impossibly high standard—and constantly move the bar higher on what counts as “good enough.” Perfectionists downplay or dismiss their own accomplishments, setting their sights on what could still be better. This feeling is rising amoung young people, as The New York Times mental health writer Cristina Caron found. “Perfectionism is so pervasive that there’s a test to measure it: the Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale. When researchers looked at how college students have responded to the scale’s questions over time, they found that rates of perfectionism surged in recent decades, skyrocketing between 2006 and 2022.”

Perfectionists might work nights and weekends to reach some ever-elusive goal. As a leader, you can help employees escape their harsh inner critic by giving praise when it’s due, sharing your own missteps, and modeling boundary-setting, such as blocking out time to spend with your kids or at the gym, and sharing this on your publicly-available calendar. By showing that you make time for your personal life, you display the importance of prioritizing non-work goals and relationships, too, and communicate this as a company value.

Try the “yes, and” approach of improv comedy

Another way to move past polar thinking is to notice when you set up conflicts in your mind, and change how you express them. Merely swapping the word “but” for “and” can help. You have to get “comfortable with healthy tension,” says leadership consultant Tim Arnold. Taking an “and” attitude means including all your desires in your week and acknowledging that having a busy, engaging life involves some discomfort. “It certainly has more conflict and discomfort, but it’s the kind of conflict that results in better and more informed decisions and the kind of discomfort that results in growth.”

Another version of this is the improv comedy staple of “yes, and. . . ” In improv, this literally means accepting whatever suggestion a teammate or audience member makes, and adding to it. (Read this column for four ways to use improv techniques to increase the creativity of your team.) In real life, “yes, and” can mean accepting whatever comes your way and building on it, rather than fixating on the conflict it creates. Maybe you have to return to the office . . . and benefit from the social capital and creativity that in-person collaboration brings. Or, a thorn-in-your-side community member who moved away suddenly returns . . . and gives you a chance to practice your improved boundary-setting skills, benchmark how much your life has evolved since then, and maybe even note if your old nemesis has mellowed into someone you like.