A Psychologist Explains Love’s ‘Scarcity Principle’

You may have noticed that we’re often more drawn to someone who is harder to reach, or that we hold on tighter to relationships the moment they start to develop distance. This isn’t just a coincidence—it’s the scarcity principle in action. This psychological concept explains why we tend to place greater value on things that feel rare or at risk of being lost.

In relationships, the scarcity principle does more than just spark attraction—it intensifies emotions, shifts our perceptions and plays a big role in how we approach love and connection.

Understanding how this principle shapes our romantic lives can help us recognize when it’s quietly influencing our feelings and decisions. Here’s how scarcity impacts relationships and what we can do to navigate it more consciously.

1. The Allure Of Unavailability

When someone seems “scarce” or difficult to attain, they often become more desirable in our eyes. This phenomenon can manifest subtly—like being intrigued by someone who is distant or hard to read—or more overtly, when someone’s unpredictability adds an air of mystery.

In romantic contexts, this perception is the driving force behind the “chase” dynamic, where the pursuit itself feels thrilling—sometimes even more so than the actual connection. While this dynamic can be exhilarating in the short term, it often spawns unhealthy patterns of behavior, such as emotional dependence or an unequal distribution of effort in the relationship.

Research explains how the consequences of these patterns play out. A 2013 study published in Sage Open revealed that unrequited love—often influenced by perceptions of scarcity—lacks the deep passion, commitment and mutual investment of a healthy partnership. Instead, it’s frequently marked by emotional turmoil, making it a more turbulent and less fulfilling version of love. These findings underscore the risks of idealizing unavailability, as the allure of scarcity can create more emotional strain than genuine connection.

2. Fear of Losing What You Have

The scarcity principle doesn’t just shape the early stages of a relationship—it can profoundly impact long-term partnerships as well. When we sense a partner pulling away or becoming less available, it often triggers a fear of loss. This fear can magnify our attachment, making the relationship feel even more essential. In response, we might cling, overcompensate or try to “fix” problems that may not even exist.

In the same study cited above where participants experienced scarcity—induced by receiving less assistance during a task—they responded by amplifying their positive traits and downplaying their negative ones.

This “above-average effect” serves as a psychological buffer, helping individuals cope with feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty. In the context of relationships, this might explain why we overemphasize our role or value when we sense the bond is at risk. By subconsciously highlighting our strengths, we aim to reassure both ourselves and our partner of our worth, striving to maintain the connection.

However, while this coping mechanism might offer temporary relief, it can also distort our perception of the relationship, making it feel more fragile or precarious than it truly is. Over time, this heightened insecurity may lead to unhealthy patterns such as possessiveness, chronic self-doubt or a relentless need for reassurance—behaviors that, ironically, can strain the relationship we’re desperately trying to protect.

3. Scarcity And Self-Worth

In addition to influencing our self-perception, the scarcity principle also shapes how we value ourselves in relationships. When we believe that love, attention or affection is rare or hard to attain, it can chip away at our self-worth.

This mindset often leads us to settle for less-than-ideal relationships, perpetuating feelings of inadequacy. Scarcity fuels a harmful cycle where love is perceived as something to be “earned,” often by adopting the very behaviors we fear—keeping ourselves or our partners at a distance in a misguided attempt to maintain control or avoid rejection.

A 2023 study published in Current Psychology revealed that two critical factors—self-efficacy (confidence in managing challenges) and self-control—account for about 28% of why scarcity often leads to impulsive decisions. Essentially, when someone lacks confidence in their ability to navigate challenges or struggles with resisting immediate desires, they are more likely to prioritize short-term solutions over long-term gains. In relationships, this can translate to staying in unfulfilling dynamics simply to avoid the discomfort of being alone.

The key to breaking this cycle is cultivating self-love and prioritizing healthy, open relationships, to release the pressure to constantly “prove” our worth. This shift not only strengthens our sense of self but also fosters deeper, more meaningful connections, free from the constraints of scarcity.

4. Scarcity And Emotional Manipulation

The scarcity principle can also be subtly weaponized in relationships. A partner might withhold affection, communication or emotional availability—intentionally or unconsciously—to create a sense of scarcity, heightening their perceived value. This tactic can result in an imbalanced dynamic, where one partner becomes overly dependent, constantly chasing a connection that feels just out of reach.

This dynamic echoes the allure of certain “dark traits” in relationships. A 2016 study published in the European Journal of Personality found that narcissistic traits—such as impulsivity, stubbornness and rebelliousness—can act as a magnet, particularly in short-term relationships.

These traits evoke a sense of novelty and unpredictability, drawing others in despite the emotional risks. Similarly, the scarcity created by withholding behaviors may amplify desire in the moment but often undermines the long-term health of the relationship.

Recognizing these dynamics is critical for maintaining emotional well-being. Relationships thrive on mutual respect, open communication and consistent affection—not on manipulative strategies designed to keep one partner invested through a perceived lack of emotional availability.

How To Cultivate Abundance In Relationships

Breaking free from the scarcity mindset requires shifting to a perspective based on abundance, security and mutual appreciation. Relationships rooted in abundance involve partners who openly express affection, share openly and offer reassurance without hesitation. When we shift our focus from scarcity to abundance, we begin to view relationships as spaces for growth, support and consistent love.

Instead of seeking validation through scarcity, remind yourself that a healthy relationship is built on a steady, open-hearted connection. Embracing abundance in your partnership helps create a love that feels stable and secure, where both partners are confident in their bond and free from the anxiety that scarcity brings.

Is love about playing hard to get or withholding affection for you? Take the Authenticity In Relationships Scale to find out.