Liz Guthridge, Connect’s leadership coach and neuroplastician, helps you think more clearly, act more intentionally and live more fully.
getty
We humans are a social species. And most of us know that our social connections with other humans can improve our overall life, including our work and career experiences.
For example, consider the benefits of connecting: We get a sense of belonging. We get help learning and forming memories. We’re able to achieve more through collaborating. We improve our health and well-being.
But knowing that connecting is good for us doesn’t make connecting any easier—especially in our post-pandemic, hybrid, AI-accelerated work environment that’s challenging to navigate on our own, much less with a group. So unless you’re one of the lucky humans who truly enjoys being a social butterfly, connecting can be hard to do. It’s awkward, risky, uncomfortable, etc.
So when you’re contemplating the benefits of connecting more with others, do you really want to go to networking events, meet strangers and try to build relationships? Or are you more inclined to want to binge on a new show, bury your head in a book, listen to a podcast, exercise, take part in any other solitary activity or hang out with family and friends?
How about something different? Try designing conditions for yourself and others that make social connections easier and more meaningful. I will share four ways to enhance conversations. Even better, these four ways work well, and they’re relatively simple to do. That’s because they reduce the cognitive and emotional friction involved in connecting. (Also, I’ve road-tested them for years and can attest to them.)
4 Ways To Connect
1. Learn about/learn from. Before you go into a one-on-one conversation with someone, pledge that you’ll make an effort to “learn something about them and learn something from them.” A colleague introduced me to this technique years ago. It’s incredibly powerful and calming because you’ve shifted the focus away from feeling performance anxiety to being curious. You’re no longer worried about “What will I talk about with this stranger?” and “How will I come across?”
Instead you’re wondering what you may learn about them (What do they do? Where do they work or live? Why are they at this event?) and what you can learn from them (What are they working on now? What are the implications? What trends or other things are they observing that might be interesting to me?). These questions also show that you’re interested in them and respectful.
2. Open a conversational door. When you have an opportunity to introduce people, help them enter a “conversational door.” You basically provide some “connective tissue” that guides them to a conversational door they can enter.
For example, if you were just to introduce Josh and Josie by name, you’ve handed them a social problem to solve. By contrast, if you were to say, “Josh, Josie is doing some fascinating work on psychological safety. And Josie, Josh is now onboarding several new team members,” you’ve helped these two individuals find and enter a conversational door with multiple rooms and hallways for talking about interesting and useful topics.
3. Flip the shared experience. Provide people with a shared experience before you ask them to mingle and connect. The shared experience puts them on common ground, which then creates an ideal setting for conversation. The individuals no longer have to search for something to talk about; instead, they can ask each other, “What’s your take on what we just experienced?”
The late Phil Brickman, the social psychology professor at Northwestern University, showed me this technique. Outside the classroom, Phil employed work/study research assistants (including me) and also interacted with students in his role as a faculty fellow for Willard Residential College where I lived. Phil often organized movie outings. We’d see a movie on a Sunday evening and then go out for dinner. By seeing the movie first, we had plenty to discuss over our meal.
By contrast, the community in which I live today mostly adheres to the traditional event design: arrive for cocktails and network, attend the program and maybe talk afterward but more likely disperse. And truth be told, when the cocktail hour lasts longer than 60 minutes and I’m not sure I can meet any more strangers, I lose patience and bolt before the program even begins.
4. Maintain momentum. If or when you have future encounters with people you have met, try to remember something from the previous conversation and ask about it. For example: “Last time we talked, you were getting ready to start a new assignment. How’s it going?” When you do this, you communicate these powerful messages: “I heard you. I remember you. You mattered enough for me to recall details about you.” And by continuing the conversation, you’re starting to build a relationship, not just making small talk.
Together, these four actions work together to demonstrate curiosity, build a bridge, create common ground and then pick up the thread to continue the momentum. This makes connecting with other humans easier and more meaningful.
Forbes Coaches Council is an invitation-only community for leading business and career coaches. Do I qualify?
